Caledonian Mercury a-go-go.

Huzzah, let celebration bells ring out throughout the land, at last a brave new dawn has arisen in the Scottish media, for today we witness the launch of a brave new hope in being able to say the words 'Scottish' and 'Journalism' without thinking of them together as an oxymoron. Ladies and Gents behold the Caledonian Mercury.

Rather fittingly they have chosen to launch  this free to read on-line newspaper on the 251st birthday of Rabbie Burns. The Burnsamentalist's among us will know that Burns, as well as being our National Bard, was a political pamphleteer in rhyme, given to venting his spleen and railing against his critics in the then dead tree press. "Thou eunuch of language....thou pimp of gender...murderous accoucheur of infant learning...thou pickle herring in the puppet show of nonsense."

After decades of a piss poor, wishy-washy, advertiser led, subservient media, content to take perfumed press releases from the establishment, than do any actual pukka reporting, is this finally a chance for that rare thing, an independent voice in Scotland  unbiased, unprejudiced, equitable and impartial?


Obviously there are as many expectations on the Mercury's founder and editor, Stewart Kirkpatrick as there are on poor Barack Obama's shoulders. No pressure there then Stewart. Thinking Scots of all flavours have been keen to see a Scottish media that doesn't treat readers as an afterthought easily swayed by insulting propaganda, as peddled by most of our main stream media.  Those of us of an Independence bent are not asking for a pro-independence media, merely a level playing field, where journalists do the work free from the pressures of owners and editors with a political agenda.


Of course, the Mercury isn't the first free on-line newspaper in the country. I don't know if it was the first, but certainly the best example, is the estimable For Argyll which as it name suggests focuses on news and events in Argyllshire. Refreshingly, it's not afraid to take a common-sense approach to both local and International news. Their campaign against the international shipping magnates using Loch Striven as a nautical free boat park is a splendid example of their proactive stance.



The For Argyll model I am convinced is the way our local news should be presented, opposed to the advertising laden blatts which constitute this nations local press. Do any of our local press contain more than the usual 'pages of shame', wherein we can find out who is in and out of court, followed by a letters page of green ink using moaning mentalists?


So in an age where our TV news looks as if it has used 'The Day Today' as a training manual, here's good luck and best wishes to Stewart Kirkpatrick and his team of 'fantasy football' journalists. 

Because he's worth it.

Yesterday's Sunday Times had the mother of all stooshies, when TV presenter Neil Oliver responded to Professor Tom Devine's criticism of the BBC Scotland series A History of Scotland.

Professor Tom derided the programme as 'fatally flawed',  'profoundly disappointing' and resembling a 'mediocre B-movie'.

Former archaeology student and local newspaper reporter Oliver responded that he was not offended by the personal criticism aimed at him,he then rather bizarrely goes on at great length to say:

“I could not be less interested in what a plump old man thinks about my physical appearance... His thoughts won’t distract me for more than a nanosecond. To go on at greater length would be like hunting a domesticated cow with a high-powered rifle and a telescopic sight. I’m just not inclined to torment him further.” 

You'll note the hirsute, hunk Oliver made no reference to any of the substantive criticisms Devine levelled at the programme. Devine, who is head of the school of history, classics and archaeology at Edinburgh university, was instead dismissed as as a “fool” with a narrow knowledge of Scottish history.


Anyone who has watched the programme through gritted teeth as yet another goblet of wine falls in slow motion across the flagstones, like an outcut from an Adam Ant video, or has bitten their tongue as a hoisted dagger is seen glinting aloft prior to being driven between the shoulders of a Mediaeval Iron Maiden fan, may find themselves agreeing with Prof Devine that this is history lite for mouth breathers. 

The programme's target audience seems to consist of those who find great appeal in watching 'star' Oliver not only walk backwards, but talk to camera at the same time. Naturally, the money shot for the TV audience is a combination of Oliver gently handling some artefact of Scottish history whilst delicately brushing aside a strand of his luxurious hair from his manly brow. 

Grown women have been known to collapse on DFS sofas throughout the land cusping their lady bits in orgiastic paroxysms of delight as the Neil, smoulders down the lens into the very heart of their damp gussets.


Unfortunately, Mr Oliver was at University with a chum of mine who actually made it in the cut throat world of 'Indiana Jones and the Search for a Meaningful Career'... I say unfortunate as he happens to have sent me a photograph of Mr Oliver in his not so hairy days. I leave you gentle reader to decide whether Mr Oliver would be the hair of telly history if he still looked like this...

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