Sooo, I'm back, a week without internet, well, apart from one small moment of wifi curiosity.
In catching up I notice some previously unknown, no-hoper Labour PPC came unstuck through his twittering tourette's. Some commentators suggest this is a small piece of Karma visiting Labour after the visceral way in which I was strung up like a stuck pig by our wonderful media and munificent politicians. I actually have some sympathy for the young feller.
It's incredible to me that we are still stuck in this bizarre white bread existence that never was; a land where people aren't allowed to swear, make mistakes, be rude, or perish the thought, express painfully honest opinions. Where those who seek public office are expected to have sprung fresh from a virginal mother's womb, untainted, sporting action man genitals and lead wholesome lives never causing trouble and only visiting us as a precursor to sainthood.
I prefer my politicians like the lying liars liar Bill Clinton, a man who can negotiate the labyrinthine intricacies of Middle East shenanigans with Yasser Arafat on the phone whilst Harmonica Lewinski (c) Big Rab, was whistling his weasel. Now that's multi-tasking.
Anyhoo, just back from the island of Madeira, a place I was told, "Ooh that's where the old people go." So after packing the sanatogen and incontinence pads off I headed.
What I found was an incredibly hip island 1000 kms south of Europe, 35 miles long and slightly smaller than the Ise of Mull.
Mull has a population of 2,600 folk, which increases slightly during the holiday season.
Madeira has a population of 260,000 folk, which triples during the holiday season.
'Ahh', I hear you say, 'Mull's a wet wee place full of hills and single track roads, it's not fit for tourism.' Given the Scottish weather you might be right.
Then again, it rains in Madeira. Witness the recent flooding that killed many, destroyed property and roads. The North around Porto Maniz is particularly wet, the first settlers built an amazing series of canals, 'Levadas' to carry water to the drier areas of the island. Today the Levadas are used for beautiful eco walks. Others are used as hydro power plants which keep the lights on.
Mull's transport problems pale by comparison with Madeira's. Mull is hilly. Madeira is one big fuck off mountain, that rises to 1800 metres above the sea a full 500 metres higher than the titchy Ben Nevis and plummets down scary ravines, the cliffs at Cabo Girao drop a mere 600 metres to the ocean below. Although the island is only 35 miles long, one of the roads running from Porto Maniz to Funchal, roughly 20 miles as the crow flies, is over such rough mountainous terrain that it equates to a sphincter clutching three hour long, 62 mile drive.
Yet, Madeira, a fully self governing, autonomous part of Portugal since the revolution in 1974 has just about completed a civil engineering programme that should cause chokes of embarrassment from our various governments down the ages.
When the last stage is completed there will be a series of over 30 miles of tunnels on the Via Rapida linking the whole island. Affording communities separated by mountains, who have never met, the opportunity to whizz two or three miles under a mountain and meet new friends and more importantly welcome visitors.
The two and a half mile tunnel running from the Eira do Sorrado to the Valley of the Nuns, literally goes downhill through a rock solid mountain. It was completed two years ago at a cost of €10 million. The funding came from the European Union.
Madeira has a rural transport system that embarrasses the whole of Scotland. Apart from our potholed and permanently grid locked motorway in the central belt, where has the money gone on building roads, bridges and tunnels, that link our communities, our businesses and tourists? The South, North, East and West of our country has been left with an incoherent, shoddy infrastructure, that you would expect to find in some backwater island in the middle of nowhere...
We have a glorified dual carriage that links us with the three lane M6 to the North of Carlisle, the A9 is a dual carriage death trap as is the A1. Our main arterial route to the north west goes past Loch Lomond and stops part of the way for a set of temporary traffic lights which have been there for THIRTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS.
Our national cringe comes into play with the size of our runways. Few transatlantic planes land here, are we incapable of extending our runways? Madiera, with possibly the scariest runway you'll ever experience, it drops off at the end into the sea, has daily flights from Europe and South America.
The port at Funchal is festooned with floating gin palaces and giant cruise ships who use it as their first and last port whilst traversing the Atlantic.Tobermory hosts the Oban and Ardnamurchan ferry.
Madiera gave the world, arguably one of the most talented footballers ever in the shape of Ronaldo.
Mull was the home to Balamory....
As to all the old folk shuffling around on their Barrs Irn-Bru Bingo Buggies, aye there were a few of them about, I saw them at the airport but not in my hotel pool...
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