What's new Pussycat?

A few weeks ago whilst trawling these internets I came across a comment about veteran BBC Reporting Scotland 'news anchor' Jackie Bird having a column in the Sunday Mail. Intrigued I let my fingers do the walking and eventually arrived at the following article.

In her whimsy infused column, the 'Sunday Mail's Jackie Bird' deigns to deliver her views on societies big stories of the week. The above article was written as a response to the startling news that Downing Street had employed the skills of an experienced cat to rid them of their rat problem. Ms Bird, using that as her cue transported the reader to a furry land where Scottish politicians are portrayed as cats. Yoiks what fun!

Here's how our impartial newsreader sees the situation:

Tiger Salmond, the SNP cat: "Look, Larry, my man, in an independent Scotland you would have your rats and we would have ours. Problem sorted. Excuse me, if you don't mind I'll just have another lick of my cream. Now, where was I? Oh yes, in an independent Scotland, cream. Cream for all & cream for every man woman and child, and, of course, cat. There would be cream coming out of the taps, cream in the puddles..."

I like a joke, I love ripping the piss out of pomposity wherever I see it. I think I've developed a sense of what's funny and obversely what's downright insidious. I don't see the above as a light hearted joke at the expense of Salmond. I see it as a yet another in a long line of scathing attacks used by cringe infused Scottish journalists who seek to portray Salmond as being of the chocolate tea pot self munching variety. The idiom of 'the cat who got the cream' is commonly interpreted as being, one who is oh so satisfied and arrogant with themselves and displays an overtly smug mien...Remember in Scotland our journos don't like confident people, mind we kent his faither...

Tabby Gray, the Scottish Labour cat was unavailable, however, we found this statement tied to a lamppost: "Missing - Tabby Gray. Our adorable Tabby disappeared from the Scottish Labour party HQ some time ago.

Now wrap me in tinsel, roll me down a hill and call me a fat Christian, but doesn't the above sound like a plea from the impartial publically funded BBC veteran news reader for the leader of the North British Regional Labour parliamentary group to up his game in the fast approaching Scottish Parliamentary election?

Now some of you may remember that waaaay back in 2003 the BBC big boys in thatLondon got into all sorts of problems when BBC Radio 4 reporter Andrew Gilligan broadcast an item about prospective war criminal Tony Blair and his team of acolytes 'sexing up' the document which led to Dr Kelly's mysterious homo-sui-cide. Gilligan went on to repeat his allegation in his column in the Mail on Sunday. The beeb were simply battered by Blair and Campbell for having the temerity to utter the allegation in the first place, as a sop to stop the bloodletting the Beeb executives decreed that BBC employees could no longer have outside paid gigs. This led to complaints and weapons grade whinging from the likes of Paxman and Humphries. The beeb senior execs stamped their little teeth and roared their little roars and won the day. Their top tier talent were rewarded for loss of outside earnings with eyewatering bonuses and peace settled over Broadcasting House.

So with the fact that BBC broadcasting talent are not supposed to have outside work, particularly that which conflicts with their publically paid work,  in mind I wrote to the BBC Audience Council Scotland  acs@bbc.co.uk, the BBC Scotland Director Ken.MacQuarrie@bbc.co.uk and ACS chairman and BBC board of Governors director Bill.Matthews@bbc.co.uk to let them know my damnable opinion.

This is what I sent

Dear Sir, I am intrigued to discover that BBC Reporting Scotland news ‘anchor’ Jackie Bird has paid employment outside of the corporation which I believe conflicts with her impartial role at the BBC.


Ms Bird writes a column for the Sunday Mail, a profoundly self-avowed pro-Labour newspaper. Her recent 'blog' post for the newspapers online content entitled. 'Claws come out as top cat Larry makes mark.' is diametrically opposed to her unbiased and apolitical role within the BBC.
I include the link below for you to assess for yourself whether her descriptions of both Messrs Salmond and Gray is appropriate for one who is employed to read the news in an unbiased fashion.


http://blogs.dailyrecord.co.uk/jackiebird/2011/02/claws-come-out-as-top-cat-larry-makes-ma.html


I recall that the BBC took a stringent policy stance against their on-screen and on-air talent profiting from their publicly paid profile by moonlighting for private companies. Most notably BBC Reporter Andrew Gilligan and the uproar that followed his freelance ‘sexing up the WMD dossier’ column in the Mail on Sunday caused.


For your reference I include the link to the Guardian’s media column which reports that the BBC Governors resolved to take the initiative to force their presenters to choose between their freelance newspaper columns and their work for the corporation, following a meeting in Cardiff on November 27th 2003.


http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2003/nov/28/pressandpublishing.davidkelly


Surely some seven years on the BBC have not fudged the issue?

yours sincerely


yadda yadda yadda (that's not my real name I'm just a Seinfeld fan)

A week later I received a reply from the very friendly Jackie who works for Mr McQuarrie:

Sent: Wed, 2 Mar 2011 14:40
Subject: FW: Outside earnings for BBC employees.

Dear Mr MacLachlan,

This is to acknowledge your e-mail sent to ACS.

Your e-mail has been forwarded to the Head of News & Current affairs for
his views and a full response will follow.

A week later and no word back, I sent the following:


Dear Jackie,
  Just wondering if there's been any response yet?

regards

Mark

Jackie wrote back within a couple of hours. (I really like her she's very people orientated compared to lots of Beeb wonks.)

Hi Mark - checking this out with colleagues in News and will get back to you asap.
Jackie

So fast forward five days and lo and behold the clouds did part, a mighty rumble was heard in the land and Head of News and Current affairs had cast aside such thoughts of triathlon's and lycra and did reply, here's what he said:

Hi Mark,

Please see below response from Atholl Duncan, Head of News & Current
Affairs.

Jackie


Dear Mr MacLachlan,

Thank you for contacting us regarding Jackie Bird's recent column in the
Sunday Mail. Ms Bird is a freelance journalist and broadcaster.  She is
not a member of BBC staff.  She earns her income from a number of
different sources and while we are careful to monitor outside activities
we do not have a rule preventing such activities. In other words,
there's no blanket prohibition on BBC presenters having outside writing
commitments.  The issue is more around the content of what they might be
writing. In particular, presenters or reporters should not write columns
on politically controversial subjects in which they express a personal
political opinion or take a side in a politically controversial debate.
I have reviewed the column 

http://blogs.dailyrecord.co.uk/jackiebird/2011/02/claws-come-out-as-top-
cat-larry-makes-ma.html     

I would regard the content as being humorous rather than controversial
or expressing a political opinion.   It is a satirical, light hearted
piece about Larry the Downing Street cat. The references to "Tiger
Salmond" "Tabby Gray" and ""Scrummy, the Scottish Rugby Union's resident
moggie" could not be regarded as serious political comment but more
light hearted fun.  Surely even in the serious business of Scottish
politics it must be important to keep one's sense of humour ?

Needless to say I haven't replied to Mr Duncan's question. Whilst I profoundly disagree with his interpretation that Ms Bird's column is merely light hearted fun. I'm a tad more gobsmacked to discover that the great get out is that our very own Jackie Bird is not a member of the BBC staff and therefore not subject to the same rules and guidelines that might govern other less fiscally rewarded talent.

Now if any of our political parties are slightly taken aback at this relevation, I would hope that some smart but lowly paid bod is currently hot footing it to the Freedom of Information guidleines and determining just how much money Jackie Bird is paid out of public funds as a freelance journalist and broadcaster, oh and also asking Mr Duncan how many other people in the on-air 'Talent' pool are paid on a freelance basis. I'd also be interested to know just how much David Robertson was paid in compensation to stop him talking about the alleged spats between him and his older then co-anchor...

The last thing I want is for Ms Bird to vanish from our screens in a David  Robertson 'get it round ye' hissy fit style. Now naturally if her contract were to mysteriously end overnight and one of those bright young avaricious talents like 2007 Labour list candidate Catriona Renton or the rather delightfully gothic and eligible Catriona Shearer were to take her place, I'd still look forward to seeing her at the plethora of after dinner engagements which she habitually attends for money. I'm sure the nation would be up in arms at the loss of this latter day Our Lady of St Mary Marquis...

Stick this up your European coefficient.

The Scottish Cup, is the oldest trophy in the world, being minted in 1873, the year Queens Park FC defeated Clydesdale FC 2-0 at Hampden in front of 2,500 bunnet waving connoiseurs of the beautiful game. Apart from the inter-war years of 1914-1918 and 1939-1945, the cup has only once, never been awarded.

That was 102 years ago next month. When those arrivistes in the Scottish game, Rangers FC and Celtic FC, competing in the final against each other for what was only the fourth time in the Cups thirty-six year history, petitioned the SFA not to award the cup following mass riots after a 2-2 draw on April 10th and a 1-1 draw in the subsequent replay the following week.

Paranoia, the word bandied about as a slur today, was the phrase of the day. Rumours swept Glasgow that the cheapskate suits at Park Gardens had fixed both ties in order to fill their pockets from the gate receipts.To give you a feel for the time, the Childrens Act 1908 came into effect the day after the first match 11th of April when the wishy washy Liberal government abolished hanging for under 16's and restricted access to booze and smokes for the under 14's...

Back to the game, as the players trooped off the field after 90 minutes of humphing a heavy wet leather ball about, the SFA announced there would be no extra time and a third replay would be required to determine the winners. Cue 60,000 supporters losing their collective stiff upper lip, unbuttoning their toppermost collars, ruffling their carefully pomaded hair and getting right stuck into each other with a mass bout of fisticuffs and ungentlemanly behaviour. By 7.30 pm, both sets of fans had torn up the goalposts, molested the sacred turf and set fire to the pay booths and sturdy security handrails. The beloved Glasgow polis astride their magnificent horses weighed in with their truncheons in an effort to conclude matters efficaciously , they were repelled by a volley of broken kerbstones and sticks made from goal posts. Undeterred the authorities sent in the fire brigade, same result expect they left without their hoses.The body count as the rioters left Hampden and headed into town was fifty polis with a variety of biffed ears, bashed skulls, broken limbs and a unified loss of innocence.

The SFA abandoned the tie, withheld awarding the trophy and handed out not one medal. Celtic and Rangers were awarded £150 in compensation and Queens Park a back hander of £500 to err rebuild the stadium.
One outraged gentleman of Milngavie writing in the letters pages of the Glasgow Evening Times harrumphed,  "I would suggest the withdrawal of all policemen from football matches, and substitute a regiment of soldiers with fixed bayonets." Given that the British Army used gatling guns against the crowd at Croke Park a decade later, the above correspondents suggestion was probably given weighty consideration.

All of which neatly brings us up today's- cue drumroll- SUMMIT!! As we all know his royal Eckness in the face of unrelenting pressure from First Minister-in-waiting Iain Grey finally relented and decided to do something about Scotland's shame...ooh wait, no I've got that wrong, Iain Gray wanted to talk about a fiendishly successful event from two years ago that wrought a ratio of £24 pounds return out of every £1.00 of public money spent. It was Ma Broon, who sensibly asked the FMQ question about what the Tartan Overlord was going to do about it!

There have been a plethora of outraged letters, blogs, articles and no doubt missives from beyond the grave as to why this has nothing to do with politics, why it's footballs problem, there's no such thing as sectarianism in Scotland and we're all barabarians who should be kept at bayonets length whilst collecting around an association regulation sized football...

Well straighten my moustache and call me Wilfred, if I haven't gone and thought up a solution that improves our global image, strengthens the competitiveness of our game and saves teams across the land from going the way of Third Lanark and Clydebank.

Other countries have no problems with fining, deducting points or relegating their biggest teams when they've transgressed, broken the rules, brought misconduct to the games, bribed referees etcetera. I suggest both Celtic and Rangers for crimes, present, past and future be relegated to Division Three alongside previous Scottish Cup winners, Clyde and Queens Park. Ensure there is a booze free exclusion zone around those clubs and in order to make it fair on the rest of the division, I suggest both sides start  their league campaign adrift at the very bottom with minus 25 points, as happened to poor wee Dundee for the crime of entering administration. I wonder how their debts compare to the combined Auld Firm fiscal delinquency?


So let's imagine in my fantasy football world a Scottish premier league without either of these Glasgow sides. A more equitable slice of television revenues spread between the remaining teams, a more competitive league, not dependent on the three young diddies rule aka less foreign players on squigillion pounds per year, family friendly clubs representing their own country in Europe, imagine it Scottish teams playing under the Saltire when getting humped on foreign fields, rather the flags of Ireland and England. Oh and considerably less debt for those trying to keep up with the tsunami of credit card football funding emanating from both sides the Clyde...


There's also the consideration that away days for the faithful to such far flung places as Berwick, Stranraer, Elgin and err Coatbridge just might be enough to strip the hard core bigots and troublemakers away from both teams, obviously this would add to their arduous ferry and plane travelling arrangements...As I say fantasy football, but what other situation will make these two teams face up to their responsibilities? How long will their friends in the media continue to deny that the Auld Firm brand is toxic, that there very existence holds Scotland back. Sure friendly rivalry is good for competition, but when you're talking about two teams who live a couple of miles apart and foster 'fans' from around the world who are asked to overlook the bigotry on both sides, then enough is enough.