Pyle-up. No snow porn here.

So in a decision that's bound to prove as unpopular in the interim, as Kenny MacAskill's release of Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi, but probably won't involve armed security for the rest of his  life, Energy Minister Jim Mather has decreed that there shall be bigger, but fewer pylons running down the middle of Scotland from Beauly to Denny.  Whereas Beauly is quite beautiful, I can't see this decision having much of a visual impact on delightful Denny... 

What is interesting is the whole debate about the pylons visual impact pitted against the need for a means to carry all that lovely renewable energy to the power hungry Central Belt and beyond. Advocates against the pylons have cried out for sub-sea cables or burial underground. Scottish & Southern Energy, the company responsible have claimed both options are too expensive, yet only a few months ago announced they had more than doubled their pre-tax profit from £300 million to somewhere expected to be north of £600million, so presumably cost isn't an option to the company and its shareholders...

One would have thought, that as many of our European neighbours have opted for the sensible option of underground cables, Mr Mather might have looked at them and responded accordingly. In France there's even a system in place where they have replaced existing pylons with a rather aesthetic pylon that comes complete with a dashed attractive helix type wind turbine that feeds into the national grid as well as carrying the high voltage cables.

All this serves to remind me that when it comes to major projects that have a massive visual impact on our landscape we've missed a trick. As any visitor to the Canarian island of Lanzerote will tell you, the impact of the artist/architect Cesar Manrique has had an amazing influence on the island. Already a renowned artist in Madrid and New York, when he returned to the island in the mid 1960's at the very beginnings of the fledgling mass tourist industry. He pestered the local government that all rather go down the same route of the hideous Benidorm et al, that resort developments be no taller than a palm tree, that all houses be painted in traditional white, house shutters be green in the country and blue by the sea. He advocated the use of using natural wonders like the viewpoints and caves as alternative destinations and began creating wind sculptures throughout the island. He also persuaded the local government that all power cables be buried underground...

As a result of his involvement, Lanzerote is now a UNESCO Biosphere Reserve and has become a point of reference in natural architecture. Something that Scotland has no chance of achieving. 

If only we had a MacManrique who could sit in on planning decisions, able to ignore the lobbying of big business and inform government about the adverse impact of their sometimes daft decisions.

"He who fears death cannot enjoy life"

I've probably put this up already, but don't care, it's brilliant. Following Mr McGee praising it in his Gruniad column it should could get more airplay. Rock on the Budhist boogie. Namaste

Pinch of salt?

Not that I'm the kind of chap to comment on unsubstantiated rumours..........but word reaches me that a certain cooncil official, maybe in the South of Scotland, in a rare display of initiative and foresight, realising that said cooncil was rapidly running out of salt for for the roads, contacted the people in the Welsh salt mines and placed an order for a sizeable amount of the anti-slippy salt.

A local haulage company were allegedly asked to nip down to Wales and pick up a convoy of the salt to get us through the next part of what we like to refer to as Winter. 

Upon arrival, much chagrin ensued as the tired truckers were told to Ecclefechen off, as the company had allegedly been told there was no salt for them, as HM Government in ThatLondon had ordered that all salt be retained for the exclusive use of the South East of England. Also the drivers supposedly were told that the company were under explicit instructions not to sell any road grit to local authorities or the Scottish Government.

Michty, I suggest a trip to local chippy and some bulk purchasing of brine if this story is at all true.... 

Addendum


Local blatt gets most of the story, but still manages to turn it into a swipe at the SNP Scottish Government...

Happy Hogmanay, Feliz Año Nuevo ♥ Happy New Year ♥ Bonne Année ♥ Felice Anno Nuovo ♥ Frohes Neues Jahr ♥ Feliz Ano Novo ♥ Szczęśliwego Nowego Roku ♥ あけましておめでとう ♥ Счастливого Нового Года ♥ 新年快乐

As this ickle blog has bizarrely been accused of being offensive to the ladies, I thought I'd continue in the same vein with a New Year's greeting by a strong woman more than capable of taking care of herself.

It's a Wonderful Life.

This blog is now closed for the Christmas holidays. Thank you for all the support, have a restive festive, one and all.

In the meantime, here's a fave scene from the Christmas fillum.

Let it Snow! Let it snow! Let it Snow!

Press Statement

Margaret Gribbon, Employment Specialist with Glasgow based Ross Harper Solicitors said;

I can confirm that I've been instructed to act for Mr Mark MacLachlan in connection with possible unfair dismissal proceedings against his former employer, Mike Russell MSP. My client is currently attempting to use his former employers' internal procedures to appeal against the decision to dismiss him and  and very much hopes that matters can be resolved without the need for legal proceedings. 

STV news " I don't think so."

Today's article on this 'satirical website' in the SundayTimes.

Pants on fire.

Jungle bells.Yuletide felicitations to one and all.

Dear assorted media people who have mysteriously discovered my mobile telephone number, please do not tire out your fraught digits by continually pressing redial.  The number is now resting.


I will be making a statement through my legal representatives in the next 24 hours regarding the stories about me in today's Herald... 

You can all access this statement via my blog, so do keep coming back.

Any further information will be placed on the blog for all to read. 

==============================================


Update. Saturday 19th.



Legal statement in Scottish media tomorrow, and on-line here Sunday morning.





  

Ding dong merrily on high.

Interesting repercussions from my article in the weekends Sunday Times.

Having just received a phone call from Paul Hutcheon of the Sunday Herald who is doing a story for tomorrow's Herald, in which I will yet again be smeared as a vile individual, who not only accuses Michael Russell and his South of Scotland adviser Aileen Orr of being not only aware of the blawg, but also of them suggesting stories and much of the sly innuendo and tittle tattle for which I have been panned. In addition I will be accused of attempting to coerce Mr Russell into giving me either my job back or finding me a cushy number in a quiet quango.

It appears that someone has released private emails sent between myself and Michael Russell's home email address to Paul Hutcheon. I can with one hundred percent certainty, hand on heart, scouts honour, tell you that I am not the person who has released these emails, as I was legally advised that it was best to not tell the Sunday Times that Mr Russell not only knew about but suggested possible stories for the blawg as it would hinder any subsequent tribunal.

Now obviously, what appears in The Herald will be skewed against me. So I've decided to give you, my lovely readers, all 14 of you the main emails* from which I suspect I will be kebabed.

So sit back and be prepared to be bored.

* Some details of the following emails have been removed, basically names of certain individuals,

Oh one final reminder, Aileen Orr mentioned above is the SNP candidate for Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweedsdale. She is without doubt the laziest candidate the party have probably ever put up for a seat, she has done close to zero campaigning in the constituency, has done a mere handful of Activate calls despite claiming to have spent every working moment doing them. She is a great pal of Paul Hutcheon, who didn't deny receiving these emails from her. The reason, I know all this? Well, until this all blew up, I was her election agent. I may still be as I haven't received ANY paperwork regarding my employment situation.



==================================================================================


-----Original Message-----
From: *******@******.com
To: feorlean@mac.com
Sent: Mon, 7 Dec 2009 17:33
Subject: Re: This week.

Michael

I am sending this to your Feorlean account as neither of us want the following appearing on the Parliamentary system where it could be accessed by an FOI request.

It is my understanding that you told me on the Friday morning that you would 'have to let me go'. I am unhappy about a situation where I humbly resign, as I do not accept that the blog was a sacking offence, it was something I composed outside of office hours, as a check on my parliamentary internet account will confirm, neither do I accept that the comments you refer to 'were of a serious nature'.

Yourself, Kevin Pringle and the FM responded in a knee jerk fashion and chose to sacrifice a loyal party member, employee and friend. You blindly accept the perceived 'truth' of the News of the World, rather than check the claims thoroughly yourselves and the context within which they were written.

At no point did you even begin to explain or even ask how the NOTW got my name and details. The FM's comments in Perth at the weekend basically give credibility to the belief that I was smearing opposition politicians with vile lies and that there is some great cybernat conspiracy.

The condemnation of Norman Will for having the temerity to comment on my facebook status was utterly pathetic and worthy of Stalinist practises long thought dead. Are the party aware that their is a vicious campaign to silence pro-independence bloggers and the FM's statement has gone down like a lead balloon.

You said the post on Cllrs Smyth and Nicholson were accusations of wife beating. That is completely incorrect, the images used to illustrate the post were tongue-in-cheek satire of the 1950's and 1960's showing woman being treated as less than equal.

Rather ironically, the first I knew about Cllr Smyth's dismissal was when you yourself told me about it on Friday the 20th, the day of the flooding and as we drove to Whithorn. I also have Cllr ****** weekly round-up which mentions it in detail.

If you remember correctly, it was you who told me about driving a drunken &%$^(*) ^*%$&& in Edinburgh and having to stop the car whilst he picked up some young men, where else could I have found that information?

Any comments on ***"£$ *^&%$***, came from comments that both you and Aileen made to me. Although, there is a seven Tories in a bed comment on the blog, it links to a photograph of ********* sitting on a bed in Africa…you know, humour.

The abject humiliation I have suffered in the media, both national and local (thank you for your Jekyll and Hyde comments in the Dumfries Courier) could have been prevented had you and the FM team taken time to consider the situation positively, rather than this pathetic knee jerk reaction better suited to your political rivals.

As it is your subsequent feeding me to the lions has left me virtually unemployable. As stated previously, I am looking to you as my employer to assist me in finding an alternative job, rather than let all of this sorry mess make its way into the public domain.

I intend to contest my sacking, given that although you now deny it, you were aware of the blog and even suggested possible subjects, such as the Daily Record pictures of Megrahi which I had asked SPICE for when I arrived at Parliament at 11.30am on the Thursday, for which they subsequently sent me an email claiming they could not locate the hard copies. As you will remember you said you would get them to me for putting on the blog.


I’m not trying to be a bastard about this situation, and I appreciate the kind words that you said in Friday’s email. I’m merely looking for some help from a friend in a powerful position who has not been truthful to the world about his knowledge of what I was doing.

You could have at any point told me to shut it down and I would have. I see the Courier even manage to publish my home address as justification for a letter I sent complaining about Smyth not identifying himself as a councillor when he attacked you over flooding/sea gulls/ regeneration.

As you gave me a deadline of Wednesday to respond, I will give you the same opportunity to respond to the above before I send it to your parliamentary address and cc the Presiding Officer and other interested parties.

I have recorded nothing on the telephone, I bear you and Cathleen no ill will, I only want some assistance. As you know I am loyal to the party and the government, however, I place Jane’s health and my family above that of politics. I would dearly love to walk away from this whole mess by the end of the week, if this is not possible then I will take up the offer from the media to talk about the blog.

Mark

==================================================================================

-----Original Message-----
From: ********@****.com
To: feorlean@mac.com
Sent: Fri, 4 Dec 2009 14:47

Changing the office door locks, having Aileen demand to know if I was recording our conversation and and making ***** ********* try to find out what journalists I had spoken to is not really the best way of maintaining my loyalty. For the record, the only journalist I have been in touch with is ****** ********, after she contacted me to say she'd spoken to you at the Diaspora event.

The NOTW as part of their concerted campaign against Independence supporting bloggers, have managed to to knock out another five bloggers this week. ****** ******* is being dragged into it, after his former constituency secretary and friend, is exposed as someone who failed to condemn a racist comment on the Scotsman forum. Iain McWhirter's blog from Monday questioning just how much you knew about my blog, the accusations that the FM responded in a knee jerk reaction rather than actually look at the truth through a NOTW prism, are all gaining momentum.

****** has asked if I want to give my side of the story to ****** ******. I don't want to.

What I do want is help finding a job. It needn't be immediate, some time in the next few months, stuck in some quango, under my first name, not even in Dumfries and Galloway.

Falling on the sword is one thing, destroying my families future for the SNP is an entirely different thing.

Mark

Are you going, going to the Boston tea party?

Interesting to note that today, December 16^th is the 236^th anniversary of the infamous Boston Tea Party.

Instrumental in sparking off the American Wars of Independence, this act of revolt against the British Empire and the British East India Company was undertaken by American colonialists who donned cunning disguises as native Mohawk American Indians and dumped boxes of tea in the harbour.

Future American President, Samuel Adams worked to publicise and defend the ‘Sons of Liberty’, stating that the Tea Party was not the act of a lawless mob, but was instead a principled protest and the only remaining option, for people who suffered taxation without representation and had no other means with which to defend their constitutional rights.

A few months earlier in September, 1773, a couple of hundred miles North of Boston, a cargo ship, 'the Hector', arrived in Pictou harbour, Nova Scotia, with 189 passengers aboard. It had been at sea for two-and-a-half months after leaving Greenock with thirty-three families and twenty-five single men on board.

The man behind this scheme was the formidable, Dr. John Witherspoon formerly of Paisley. President and head professor of what was to become Princeton University. Witherspoon, had purchased 200,000 acres of land from the Philadelphia Land Grant Company, whose shareholders included Benjamin Franklin. Settlers were offered a farm lot and a year of provisions.

A glance at the names of those on board, displays many familiar to today’s Scotland.

Witherspoon, long critical of the British Empire had embraced life in the colonies and was a strong supporter of the Revolution.  When challenged that America was not yet ready for independence he replied that it "was not only ripe for the measure, but in danger of rotting for the want of it."

At the same time that a fledgling Independence movement in the Americas is gathering momentum, in Scotland professional Englishman Doctor Samuel Johnson and his loyal acolyte James Bowell were engaged on ‘A Journey to the Western Islands of Scotland’. This grand tour in search of the romantic savage, came a mere seven years after the death of James Edward Stuart and the end of the Pope’s recognition of  "Bonnie" Prince Charles as the lawful sovereign of Great Britain.

The Western Isles that Johnson and Boswell encountered was a desperate place with the disintegration of the Clan system and the Clan chief’s Highland Clearances policy starting to take effect, with whisky and the wearing of Tartan still banned after the 1745 rebellion. Johnson infamously opined, "The noblest prospect which a Scotchman ever sees is the high road that leads him to England!"

As many of Scotland’s leading lights were drawn to London and the glittering prizes there, unsurprisingly few if any, took Doctor Johnson to task for such pithy throwaway comments like. "Scotland is a vile country, though God made it, but we must remember that he made it for Scotsmen, and comparisons are odious, but God also made Hell”. One wonders what Witherspoon might have made of Johnson.

Who would have thought that Scotland and Scots would have had to wait for over 200 years to get just a little bit more representation for our taxation, whereas the Yanks simply chucked boxes of tea overboard? 

Welcome, come on in, pull up a pew, kick back a bit....relax, I won't bite.

Greetings friends old and new. Michty what a fortnight it's been. Derided, abused, ridiculed, shamed, mortified and condemned...but enough of Tiger Woods problems. How the blinky blonk have I been?

Well the world kept spinning, real friends came to the fore and called, emailed, visited and some even sent actual letters in long hand! My family and I are immensely grateful for all the well wishes that have come our way. 


As you'll no doubt have heard or read, the Sunday Times have given me the opportunity to tell my side of the story about the vile lies and one man propaganda machine I had supposedly told and become. 

By opening up the blog I'm giving those desperate souls who were keen to see if they got a mention, the same sensitive bairns who googled their name against Cheese and poured over the cache looking for the slightest whiff of insult, the chance to see what all the fuss was about. You know who you are, you cheeky monkeys, fear not, I'll not embarrass you by letting everyone know your names, that'll be our little secret. For now.


Interestingly since I closed the blog down the page visits have just kept climbing, I dare say that now it's back on-line it'll drop back into the relative obscurity from whence it came.


My biggest surprise was the speed with which my world imploded. One minute I'm pootering about here having the occasional mocking dig at politicos and their tame pets in the Scottish media, the next I'm exposed as Beelzebub in tweed. Within minutes of the story appearing the spittle flecked keyboard warriors began reaching for their collective Thesauruses and in an orgiastic spoffing of biblical dimensions the bitter mal mots were soon in full flow.
Six hundred plus google news and blog checks describing one as 'odious', 'poisonous', 'despicable', 'venomous' 'evil', 'loathsome', 'cowardly', 'poisonous', 'filthy', 'foul mouthed', 'bullying' and '46' were simply too much for one mere mortal to take, and then the journalists and bloggers started. Did I mention 'poisonous'?



I've removed the post regarding Wardog, the language I used in it was too robust for a man of my delicate sensitivities, and to be honest I cringed every time I used it, knowing that some ladies were on occasion liable to amble past and peruse my musings.


The rest of the blog is intact. As of today I haven't received a summons, been carted off to jail, spat at in the street nor been waylaid by footpads or neer-do-wells in the dark closes of Dumfries.

So if you're a politician or a journalist with the incredibly thin skin that bruises as easy as an autumn peach, then please contact me and ask me to remove any post I may have put up here that you deem to be beyond the pale. 

I would caution anyone posting, that anything deemed by me, to be deliberately inflammatory, insidious or downright evil, no matter how sphincter collapsing funny, will not be tolerated. Maybe.  


The views on the life politic, philosophical, societal, historical or even artistically in here are all mine. Mine I tell you. Enjoy.

Hooooooooooots

Click on the link below.

Hoooooooooooots

Bullying Secretary General of Labour Party Kicked out of Council Meeting

Ooh drearie me, news has waded its way through the flood waters of Dumfries that Colin Smyth, Scottish General Secretary of the Labour Party and Labour councillor for Nith Ward was kicked out, ejected, expelled, nay cast out by popular vote from a Dumfries and Galloway council meeting on Thursday this week.

Smyth's official misdemeanour was for 'offensive conduct and refusing to respect the chair'. 

Councillor Smyth and Councillor Ronnie Nicholson, the not so popular with their own members, odd couple, have allegedly a history of behaving in a rather intimidating manner towards councillors and council employees of the lady persuasion. So much so that one is tempted to think that Messrs Smyth and Nicholson might have been happier in an earlier age when women were expected to stay in, shut up and put out on demand.

One can only imagine what kind of thrill some chaps might get from trying to impress the ladies with their machismo ways.

Although the vote was put to the full council and Smyth actually had cross party support, not one lady member voted for him to remain in chamber.

Naturally when Smyth was given his marching orders...

 

Nicholson, a local low rent landlord and erstwhile leader of the Labour group flapped his arms, squawked about a bit and left in a hissy fit.

 

The remaining members of the Labour Party and the rent-a-mob glee club they invite to council meetings. Were nonplussed and did what comes naturally to such sorts.

FMQ's November 19th 2009

The failure of meritocracy, as explained by the Parkinson-Peter Principle: 

1. Work expands to fill the time allotted to it. 

2. In a hierarchy, every competent employee is promoted until he reaches a level of incompetence. 

3. Over time, all positions thus fill up with incompetent people. 

4. Incompetence expands to fill all positions in meritocratic systems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When did the Scottish Unionists give up on Scotland?

I managed to attend a bit of 'Tedfest' at Glasgow University this weekend. 

TedFest was a day of celebration for retiring Professor of Scottish history Ted Cowan, whose career has seen him inspire students and historians around the world. At close of day, Ted summed up the days papers presented by a broad range of academics and covering topics as diverse as, Ken Simpson's 'Flyte Club: The Scottish Tradition of Verbal Assault' through to Jenny Wormald's, 'If only the English hadn't been there, a solution to Ireland, 1603-1607.


When he was discussing Richard Finlay's,  'English Party Politics and the Union of 1707', Ted paused and said, "I've always wondered when the Scottish unionists stopped believing in Scotland?" 


This struck a chord with me. At what point did the Scottish Unionists give up on Scotland? Each of the Unionist parties at one time or another through all of their histories have backed 'Home Rule' - Independence lite...so why today are they so vehemently opposed to the normalcy of a small country wishing to end a bankrupt union and revert to being in charge of it's own affairs. What happened in the past 100 years that let our fellow Scots decide that Scotland wasn't worth the effort?


Matt O'Neill's poem below, maybe goes part of the way to answering the question. 

"The Unionists" by Matt O'Neill

Are you the man ah'm lookin' for - the proud, unconquered Scot?
The man who hauds his heid up high regaredless o' his lot?
D' ye believe in "Wha daur mess wi' me?" The Declaration o' Arbroath?
If ye'r country wis in danger, wid ye rise tae swear that Oath?

Does ye'r heart fair swell wi' pride when the piper fill the bag,
or when ye see the Saltire or the Lion Rampant flag?
Dae ye raide a glass in honour tae oor heroes o' the past
who fought tae win oor liberty an' defend it tae the last?

If ye answer "Aye" tae aw these things, ye might jist be the man -
but dae ye know abbot oor history since the Union began?
There's maybe things ye dinnae know that should be brought tae mind;
some pointed facts - the battleaxe - tae cut the ties that bind.

For the past three-hundred years we've aw been subject tae the south;
cosseted an' humoured, tricked along by slight o' mouth.
Noo we're Anglicised, institutionalised, absorbed intae their state -
did ye never wonder why that is? Did we really earn this fate?

The truth is aye, it's aw oor fault, we did it tae oorsel's.
We didnae pay attention while the fly-men wove their spells.
We've lost oor independence, oor honour an' oor pride,
by handin' power tae Unionists who court the ither side.

For centuries the English tried tae drive us tae defeat;
they won some an' they lost some - but they never had us beat.
Then the Union took oor rights away, wi' the help o' traitor -Scots,
an' the Unionists have held us since while London calls the shots.

For years oor Scottish history wis "discouraged" in oor schools -
a policy o' dumbin'-doon tae turn us intae fools.
The teachers taught o' Hastings, King John n' Runnymeade,
while oor weak-kneed Scottish Unionists thought no' tae intercede.

When Thatcher harried Scotland, her war went unopposed;
oor Unionists, they aw stood back while industry wis closed.
They muttered fae the shadows, but widnae brave the light,
their jobs were too important tae be riskin' in a fight.

How can they be proud Scots when England tells them how tae act?
Ye cannae serve two masters - it's a plain an' simple fact.
Oor parliament in Holyrood wis wrung fae them through fear -
the fear that we wid break away - wi' Independence near.

When the Unionists rule in Holyrood, they're no' concerned wi' you;
they make it nae mair than a branch o' the Westminster HQ.
Aye, it's business there as usual - busy arguin' the toss -
but when somethin' major comes along, they check it wi' the boss.

The lies they've spread, the fear they've bred, tae keep the Union hail;
like border guards an' passports - lies that still prevail.
They lie, come Independence, we'll be livin' hand-tae-mouth,
an' oor kin will be like foreigners if they're livin' in the south.

They'll smile at ye sincerely, they'll gie ye'r haun a shake,
they'll warn that Independence could be Scotland's big mistake.
But jist remember how they think, the surest antidote -
it's England before Scotland, an' themsel's that they promote.

There's nae end tae their treachery, nae end tae their lies,
nae end tae the depths they'll stoop tae keep their Union ties.
They'll sell themsel's for coppers, an' their nation cheaper still,
they'll infect ye wi' their cowardice an' shackle ye'r free-will.

So when next time ye go tae vote, remember who tae blame,
the Unionists are waitin' for ye, confident ye're tame.
Remember that ye're jist a pawn in their bogus bon accord;
so become the proudest Scotsman - an' put them tae the sword!

Danger, danger, warning, alert!!! Possibly the most boring blawg post ever ahead. You have been warned.

Planning appeals. 

A phrase so dull, that tears of genuine ennui are gathering in the very ducts of mine own eyes as I type this. 

However, before I hyper yawn and unexpectedly swallow my own head, let me say the following. The Scottish government stuck out a run-of-the-mill, rather staid, in fact utterly dull, press release about the planning and appeals process this morning.

BBC Scotland, and STV ran it, nobody else can be bothered, cause it's like planning innit...

On closer inspection, I noticed it contained the following news.

"In the last six months, more than 80 per cent of written planning appeals were dealt with within 12 weeks. This compares to 27 per cent in the year 2008-09, and only six per cent in 2007/08."

So the process of appealing against planning decisions being dealt within three months has grown from from 6% to 80% in a two year period.

The exact figures are as follows:

Seven per cent of written planning appeals were dealt with within 12 weeks in 2004/5, 2005/6, 2006/7 and six per cent in 2007/08. 

So in the SNP's first year of Government they woefully failed to maintain the consistent 7% standard set by the previous Lib-Dem-Lab Scottish Executive... But somehow, in answer to the prayers and offerings of first children from developers around the country, they managed to improve the performance by 74%!


David Lonsdale, assistant director of CBI Scotland, described this phenomenal piece of good news for his members in the construction industry as, "an encouraging step." 

Obviously CBI Scotland don't want to get anyone's hopes up, by suggesting that a 76% improvement in a key economic factor is anything more than an 'encouraging step'. The possibility that this government might, maybe, perhaps be having a positive effect on the vast, dead hand of bureaucracy that blights our civil service, is something the CBI do not actively encourage. 


Planning, the rock and roll of local bureacracy. 


Told you it was boring. 


So, now that it's already half past November and people have started receiving Christmas cards....here's a bit of a treat for the ladies who've been complaining about the number of nubile girlies pictorially illustrated on this here blawg. 

An anonymous source has sent me a photograph of my dear chumrade Conan the Librarian, who shed over half his body weight after a trip to a local waxing salon, and now presents as a much more respectable Santa.

Apologies Prof Devine. ....separated at birth?

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, start all over again.

Peoples of Glasgow North East, press silver in my palm, I predict your future.

Well, since a plethora of professional pontificators are about to tell us who's going to win Glasgow North East, I thought I'd join in and gaze longingly into the orbs above and predict the winner and losers.

But first, some statistics about the constituency.
 

School leavers with no qualifications - 300 per cent higher than the Scottish average.

Teenage pregnancies – 60 per cent higher

Deaths from lung cancer – 94 per cent higher

Heart disease – 40 per cent higher

Folk on income support – 130 per cent higher than the national average

Unemployment rate – 140 per cent higher. 


So, the man or woman who is going to tackle this problem has a mighty task on their hands. He/she will be a skilled negotiator, only in politics to help people, adept at fighting crises after crises, capable of turning teen pregnancy statistics into chaste kisses behind smart bus shelters, able to educate an underclass and produce a workforce, fit and raring to face the challenge ahead.


Through the mists of time, my swirly globe rumbles and grumbles, images appear fleetingly.

A tall man, an old hippy chic, a dashing young lesbian and latterly a little feller with a home made haircut all swirl around in my globe. 


Until 

There it is, a figure emerges through the fog and darkness, shuffling towards the light of a cash machine. He's wearing some sort of bling and what looks like a dead animal thrown across his shoulders.

Yes, dear hearts the winner of Glasgow North East by-election is none other than our old friend, the former speaker of the House of Commons and one time right wing shop floor socialist...the Honourable Baron Michael Martin of Springburn, of Port Dundas in the City of Glasgow.

A surprise victory?

Not really, after all he entered the House of Commons exactly thirty years ago, and has become the foremost practitioner of filling his boots. 

Why these past nine years since he replaced the estimable Labour MP Betty Boothroyd have found him as happy as a pig in ozone friendly shit. He's grabbed, grasped and empire built, his constituents have died, become addicted, been incarcerated, lived through dire poverty and ignorance. All hail the pig swiller extraordinaire who got off with it.



Oh and the wee boy who lives with his mum and dad, but doesn't, will be the next Glasgow North East MP. 

As effective as the last Labour monkey to wear the red rosette, he might have to make do with talking to mum and dad every night on the tellybone, when he 'moves' to ThatLondon, although I suspect he might be back home for good next summer. 

He has to win the crystal ball has spoken. His party are defending a majority of over 10,000 votes, they've added thousands of postal votes, their friends dominate just about every newspaper and media outlet in Scotland and they've got Sir Awex Ferguson on their side, how could they not win?




The losers? The people of Glasgow North East and Scotland.

School leavers with no qualifications - 300 per cent higher than the Scottish average.

Teenage pregnancies – 60 per cent higher

Deaths from lung cancer – 94 per cent higher

Heart disease – 40 per cent higher

Folk on income support – 130 per cent higher than the national average

Unemployment rate – 140 per cent higher. 

Because he's worth it.

Yesterday's Sunday Times had the mother of all stooshies, when TV presenter Neil Oliver responded to Professor Tom Devine's criticism of the BBC Scotland series A History of Scotland.

Professor Tom derided the programme as 'fatally flawed',  'profoundly disappointing' and resembling a 'mediocre B-movie'.

Former archaeology student and local newspaper reporter Oliver responded that he was not offended by the personal criticism aimed at him,he then rather bizarrely goes on at great length to say:

“I could not be less interested in what a plump old man thinks about my physical appearance... His thoughts won’t distract me for more than a nanosecond. To go on at greater length would be like hunting a domesticated cow with a high-powered rifle and a telescopic sight. I’m just not inclined to torment him further.” 

You'll note the hirsute, hunk Oliver made no reference to any of the substantive criticisms Devine levelled at the programme. Devine, who is head of the school of history, classics and archaeology at Edinburgh university, was instead dismissed as as a “fool” with a narrow knowledge of Scottish history.


Anyone who has watched the programme through gritted teeth as yet another goblet of wine falls in slow motion across the flagstones, like an outcut from an Adam Ant video, or has bitten their tongue as a hoisted dagger is seen glinting aloft prior to being driven between the shoulders of a Mediaeval Iron Maiden fan, may find themselves agreeing with Prof Devine that this is history lite for mouth breathers. 

The programme's target audience seems to consist of those who find great appeal in watching 'star' Oliver not only walk backwards, but talk to camera at the same time. Naturally, the money shot for the TV audience is a combination of Oliver gently handling some artefact of Scottish history whilst delicately brushing aside a strand of his luxurious hair from his manly brow. 

Grown women have been known to collapse on DFS sofas throughout the land cusping their lady bits in orgiastic paroxysms of delight as the Neil, smoulders down the lens into the very heart of their damp gussets.


Unfortunately, Mr Oliver was at University with a chum of mine who actually made it in the cut throat world of 'Indiana Jones and the Search for a Meaningful Career'... I say unfortunate as he happens to have sent me a photograph of Mr Oliver in his not so hairy days. I leave you gentle reader to decide whether Mr Oliver would be the hair of telly history if he still looked like this...

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