Dumfries in Fearful Factionalist Farrago

Dear readers, your humble correspondent has distressing news from the Socialist peoples republic of Dumfropolis. Poisonous words have reached your official party newspaper with startling news for the beloved followers of the dear party. Treacherous zealots, only interested in personal gain and self aggrandisement, are reluctant to follow edicts from the supreme overlord, the honourable and divine, James Murphy, Member of Parliament for the peoples constituency of East Renfrewshire. 

These traitorous dogs have dared to complain in shadowy corners, that the leaderships desire that they hand over a paltry five percent of their publicly funded council salary to the party is unfair! 

This dissent from these cowardly parasites, has brought eternal shame to this humble correspondent. It is my fearful duty to report that of the twenty-one Labour party candidates for the forthcoming Local Council Election, which will return Scotland to the safe and comforting hands of the mother party, many have refused to sign, in blood, their contract agreeing to hand over this piffling amount of money. That such a petit-bourgeois concern should hinder those who were chosen by the peoples selection panels to throw off the yoke of capitalist exploitation has angered this correspondent to a state of incandescent luminosity. 

One of these inveterate scoundrels speaking to your sickened correspondent in a darkened multi-storey car park behind the Loreburn shopping centre said:

"Some of theses conditions are completely unreasonable and very controlling." 

Unfortunately due to the poor mobile signal coverage in the car park, your correspondent was unable to raise assistance from burly party volunteers, who were waiting nearby to arrest this dissenting mad dog. He went on to say...I know he was a he, because we have no sisterly comrades representing us on the council:   

 "Here you have the Labour Party forcing people to hand over a percentage of their wages and threatening action if they don't.

"A lot of candidates are unhappy with this contract but there doesn't seem to be a lot they can do if they want to stand."

At these disgusting words, I vainly and heroically tried to effect a citizen journalists arrest. Sadly as I vigorously launched myself at this dishevelled and probably drunken miscreant, I slipped on an empty bottle of Buckfast secreted on the darkened floor. I awoke a few moments later with a sore head and a blinding rage to have been in the company of one so disloyal to the party, albeit temporarily.

I beseech you dear reader, to ignore the complaints from these degenerate careerists, who take offence at being reminded to "follow the group whip at all times and attend all Labour group and council meetings". How can these opportunist curs flinch at the prospect of embracing "at least 150-200 voter ID contacts- who vow to give commitment to backing the people party- every week."?

It shames your correspondent, to consider that these utterly unscrupulous factionalists would be concerned that local party officials will "receive reports based on the candidate's performance, backed up by monitoring conducted by the Scottish Labour Party."  Do these saboteurs not realise that, "if problems persist the...Scottish Executive Committee will review what further action is required up to and including rescinding the endorsement of any candidate." is solely of a beneficial nature to the misguided individual and betterment of the party? 

What harm is there, in these lumpen proletariat being asked to sign a contract that asks candidates to accept that failing to comply with the rules,"may result in me being removed from the list of approved candidates"? 

Dear reader, we can only hope that the wisdom of our venerable party leaders affords us an opportunity to conduct a root and branch pogrom of these undeserving traitors who would question the parties wisdom.